Worried your partner drinks too much?

Many of us worry that our partner or someone else we love is drinking more than is healthy. It can be a tough subject to raise, and you might be worried how they will react. 

Drinking too much can damage relationships and, in some cases, be the final straw, meaning separation.

Doubt and denial play a big part in confronting someone about their drinking. You might wonder if you are right to be worried or whether they might get angry or depressed about the situation. 

Does my partner have a drinking problem?

It is a common concern. Are you right in worrying about your loved one’s drinking? Different people have different thresholds for alcohol and how much they think is socially acceptable.

If your partner comes from a family, social group or culture where drinking heavily is commonplace, it can be harder to determine if it is simply a matter of opinion. 

Can drinking limits help?

The NHS guidelines on drinking can be helpful, but they are not set in stone. Imagine, for example, your partner drinks well below the limits but is extremely abusive while drinking. Or becomes very ill or hungover and unable to function from an amount below the recommendation.  They still have a problem. The amount isn’t relevant.

Behaviour signs your partner drinks too much.

• Losing interest in non-drinking activities
• Can’t stop drinking when they start
• You can’t rely on them because of alcohol
• Goes out a lot, drinking
• Is aggressive or depressed when drinking
• Risky behaviour: financial, missing work, drunk driving  

Drinking and Denial

Alcoholism has one of the highest rates of denial of any substance abuse problem. There are several reasons for this:

• Alcohol is socially accepted and even encouraged
• Mental health problems are heavily linked to alcoholism
• Lack of legal repercussions 
• Alcoholics are often high-functioning
• Families often enable alcoholics

Let’s examine that last idea more thoroughly. Families enable alcoholism more than they do other problems such as drug taking, gambling and sex addiction. 

My partner isn’t an alcoholic. They just drink too much.

If you are certain that your partner is not addicted but still think they have an alcohol problem, there are many ways to help them cut down.

Make a plan together

• Avoid having alcohol in the house
• Stay away from places and situations that trigger drinking
• Make meaningful changes to stress and lifestyle
• Curb cravings with supplements

If these make no meaningful difference to your wife, husband or partner’s drinking habits, you may want to consider addiction. 

Enabling problem drinking

Often, this is a learned behaviour. Many of us grew up with an alcoholic parent in the house and are accustomed to the idea of helping a loved one hide their problem. 

• Making excuses and lying to cover up drinking
• Buying them alcohol when they are refused or unable
• Ignoring negative behaviour
• Feeling afraid of conflict
• Protecting others from drinker’s behaviour

What happens if I stop enabling?

You always run the risk of your partner refusing to accept that they have a drinking problem. If they are in a social circle or family where excessive drinking is accepted, they may not understand the issue.

The risks of stopping enabling are worth considering but rarely worse than continuing to support an addiction. Your partner might be angry at you for trying to stop them from drinking. Addiction can make people act in ways that don’t necessarily reflect their real, sober personality. 

If your partner is aggressive or abusive, you should remove yourself and any vulnerable people, children, or elderly family from the situation before stopping enabling them. 

Your partner may be upset or angry at you for no longer enabling them. They may see it as part of your role as a supportive partner, but it is quite the opposite.

You may fear the consequences. It is worth remembering that these consequences are inevitable anyway, as alcoholism rarely stays hidden forever.

• Job loss
• Loss of reputation
• Criminal charges (drunk driving, drunk and disorderly)
• Injury

These consequences will come about eventually if they continue drinking heavily. By enabling them, you are only allowing them to get worse and risk their health and life. 

How do I talk to my spouse about their drinking?

Each person is different, but there are several patterns we see time and time again with alcohol.

Dealing with denial

Denial can be frustrating and often doesnt make sense to other people. It is important to understand denial so you can help effectively and offer effective support. 

Here are the top things to know about denial:

• It is the brain’s way of protecting itself from harsh realities.
• Denial is a defence mechanism and sometimes a coping mechanism.
• This happens for many reasons, not just addiction.
• It offers temporary relief from pain and fear.
• In the long term, it is very damaging to health and psychology.

Do’s and don’ts of denial

Do

• Tell them you care about them and that is why you are worried about them. People in denial suffer from fear, and feeling loved and cared for can help alleviate some of this.
• Avoid blame by talking about how their drinking has affected other people.
• Be understanding of their behaviour and actions.
• Accept that their behaviour may be irrational.

Don’t

• Blame or accuse the person
• Say hurtful or offensive things
• Threaten them
• Give in and accept their version of things
• Let them make excuses or false promises

Handling cravings and triggers

Cravings

Cravings hit most people who stop doing something like alcohol. Some of these cravings are psychological, and others are physical. 

Alcohol can change the way your brain understands happiness, relaxation, sleep, and even eating. When you stop drinking, your brain and body are in flux. Using a supplement like Desistal can help compensate for this while you detox. ACV and Baopa help with low mood, stress, and sleep, while MCT aids with appetite and stomach issues.

Together, these ingredients can help your body with cravings and ease the transition. 

Triggers

A trigger can be anything at all that makes you feel or do something.They can be impulsive and difficult to resist. 

Some of us are triggered to drink by a feeling such as stress or social anxiety. Others are triggered by situations such as Christmas parties or being home alone after work. 

The best thing you can do is avoid triggers. If being in and bored pushes you to drink, make a change and get out of the house. Even if it is just for a few hours, it can be enough to kick the craving to the side. 

Where it is an emotion, it is best to find a new way to cope; drinking almost never makes emotional problems better. Find another healthier way to destress or change how you interact socially.

The heart and soul of alcohol problems

There are lots of reasons people want to help a husband, wife, or partner stop drinking too much. Most come from a place of love and want for the relationship to continue. 

The behaviour of your partner or spouse has a serious effect on your life, often more than anyone else in your life. 

It is vital for your partner’s health, safety and quality of life that you find help for them quickly and effectively.